Has anyone ever felt like this in their marriage before? (Serious answers ONLY!)?

by Mennonite Church USA Archives

Question by No one you know: Has anyone ever felt like this in their marriage before? (Serious answers ONLY!)?
Let start off by giving you a little bit of my back story. I have been with my husband for 13 years(started dating in high school) and we have been married for almost 10 years. Our marriage has been happy for the most part, but we have issues just like any other couple. However the last few years I have grown more and more unhappy with they way he treats me. Am I being stupid and over reacting?
Here’s what’s bothering me:

1.) When we have sex (which is about 1-2 times per week) I’m usually not in the mood and most of the time I have sex just to make him happy. Otherwise he gets mad and makes me feel guilty for not wanting to have sex. I just don’t have the sex drive that he does. Plus when he makes “his moves” it’s mostly just groping me and there is no romance to it at all. Makes it hard for me to “get in the mood”.
2.) Our 10 year wedding anniversary is coming up and 2 years ago I told him that I wanted him to plan something nice for us. That I wanted somewhat of a honeymoon that we never had when we first got married. Even if it was just a 2 day get a way. Just something that he has planned, that is romantic and nice. Our anniversary is just a few months away and he has no intention of doing anything at all. It makes me feel as though I’m not worth his time or effort. Also he forgot our last anniversary all together.
3.) I got pregnant at the age of 17 and never got the chance to go to college like I had always wanted when I was younger. We then got married and had another child. Now that my children are older I have decided to go to school and finally fulfill my dreams of a college education. When I got my acceptance letter from the university he never said “congratulations” or anything close. I was very upset by that and when I asked him if he was proud of me for getting in to college, all he said was ” I don’t care what you do as long as it doesn’t cost me anything” (he’s counting on grants and scholarships to pay for my education.) I have supported all of his decisions both good and bad, and I feel as though he doesn’t want to support me in this.
4.) About 2 or 3 years ago we were really close to getting a divorce but decided that we wanted to work things out. But when we were fighting and deciding whether or not we were going to divorce we got into this terrible fight and he told me that if I chose to divorce him he would make sure that he got the kids, and then he told me that no man would ever want to be with me. That I wasn’t worth anything. When I asked him about why he said that to me, ( I asked long after we patched things up, but it still haunted me and I was looking for some closure) he says that he doesn’t remember ever saying that.

I feel lost and confused. Has anyone else been through something similar? Am I blowing things out of proportion?
For those of you who say there is a lack of communication, well I HAVE told him how I feel and that I need more romance, understanding, and respect for crying out loud. I HAVE told him I don’t like being groped! I HAVE suggested a marriage counselor! I have been open with him in the past! What more can I do?
@Heaven’s Messenger:
I can too honestly say that he isn’t planning anything. Since we only have 1 bank account, no credit cards, and I handle the bills and finances, I’m 99.999% positive that he’s not doing anything. Do you think he would get angry at me anytime I bring up possible things for us to do if he was planning something? No. That’s not a reaction someone would have if they were planning a surprise.
Honestly I find your response to be quite rude and inappropriate.
Now when we were going through hard times, it was HE who wanted the divorce! It was HE who said nasty and hateful things! Do I expect everything to be rosy all the time! NO! But I do expect people to be accountable for the things they do and say! HE has not been! Can I handle someone saying something mean? You bet! But you better be ready to explain to me why the hell you said such a thing in the first place!

Best answer:

Answer by Sheniquah Trois

no, never felt that way. good luck to you, you’ll need it!

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7 thoughts on “Has anyone ever felt like this in their marriage before? (Serious answers ONLY!)?”

  1. i am sure i am a little younger than u but i have been in a relationship for nearly 9 years…first off if u are having more bad times than good ones then maybe u should really consider letting go of it…honestly i feel like even though u have children with a man u deserve happiness too…and in my expierience most men say than no one else would want you…but please believe that isnt true…there are so many men out there who are looking for good women and the fact that u are going to school just makes you more of a valuable woman…it kinda sounds like he has given up on the marriage…and i hope i am not making u depressed at all…i just want to make sure that u dont go through the same stuff my mother went through…a loveless marriage…i wish u all the best in everything that u do…

  2. It sounds like you’re having duty sex with him. He’s having sex with you because he’s trying to be faithful. But I find it hard to believe he’s still in love with you.

    That said, he’s probably staying because of the kids. Maybe he wants you to get a college degree so you’ll be able to earn a living and he won’t have to pay alimony.

    In the meantime, having unsatisfying duty sex seems rather hollow.

    The best thing to do here is sit down with him and start asking him why he doesn’t respect you; why he can’t be affectionate towards you; and whether he wants out of the marriage so he can find someone else.

    If that doesn’t work, then marriage counseling might.

    Otherwise, the fact that you’re pursuing your college education tells me that you’re on the right track. For once you have to start living for yourself and making yourself happy too.

  3. sounds like you’re married to a very self absorb person who only cares about himself. even if he’s not proud of what you have accomplished, it’s important for you to be proud of yourself. I suggest you have a long talk with him and let him know you’re true feelings about the marriage. sometimes men have a way of thinking the marriage is great when it’s not and he won’t know unless you tell him. then decide what to do from there.

  4. I think you are absolutely blowing this out of proportion when what you should be doing is blowing something that will make your marriage better. And I don’t think you can honestly say he’s not planning anything for your anniversary. What if he’s planning to surprise you? And as far as the things he said that time when you were getting divorce he was mad as hell! Do you really think he should have been telling you how beautiful you were when his blood pressure was 280? Come on, you guys deserve better than this. Every marriage faces it’s share of ups and downs, but some people just seem to be more focused on the downs.

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