Q&A: What do you think about my essay? edits, advice, etc? Im in 9th grade!?

Question by Rose F: What do you think about my essay? edits, advice, etc? Im in 9th grade!?
They say, “home is where the heart is.” In Homer’s Iliad and The Odyssey, love and romance, drama and malice plague the homes of Greek heroes and mistresses. Between them, it often seems that home is just a place to sleep and marriage is not always between lovers. Homer’s perception of home could be similar or identical to how home and marriage was in Ancient Greece – a very interesting home indeed. Presented in these books are homes where a man can snatch up your wife and battle ensues, or suitors will fill your house while your husband is at sea, facing dangers unknown so he could be home with his family again. You may say there is no order or you may say there is none at all – at the core of Odysseus’ home was the separation between him and his wife, Penelope. Though she believed he would never return, her love for him flickered like a candle in the night, though it never died. Meanwhile, she fed dozens of suitors for years and let them live in her home. Is this proper order? I would think not. In the Iliad, couples were married for different reasons, may they be political or to please the gods.
In the Iliad, Paris, prince of Troy, fell in love with the most beautiful woman in the world – Helen, who was married to Menelaus, King of Sparta. Paris ran off with Menelaus’ wife and that’s where the war begins. Men everywhere drop everything and leave their families to fight in a battle over one woman. After many crushing lows and triumphant highs, the battle ends and Odysseus and his men off on a journey home. It takes twenty years and risks his life to finally be at peace and home with his wife Penelope and his son Telemachus. The Iliad and the Odyssey present an idea of home that is strongly based on the status of one’s marriage. Though Menelaus saw his wife desert him (although, against her will), he still took her back after she had affairs with Paris AND his brother. What happened to Helen and Menelaus’ marriage? For awhile, it was non-existent! But when Helen came home, Menelaus loved his wife again, though it took much courage and probably became Greece’s laughing stock, but Odysseus showed us that they were happy. Helen and Menelaus being home again reunited them and their marriage. Though Penelope had doubts that Odysseus would never return, his coming renewed their marriage in a sense – with Odysseus home again, their loyalty and love for each other is instilled once more and their family is reunited, with Telemachus finally being able to meet his dad after so many years. This also tells us that home is closely knit with the status of a family and their togetherness.
Proper order must be instilled in any home – it is a very important “ingredient” necessary to instill the harmony of couples and families. The Iliad and the Odyssey does not give us too many examples on a proper home, but it does give us a few bad examples. Proper order is not only having rules but being loyal to those in your home, trusting them and above all loving them! How is having multiple suitors living at your home, eating your food and drinking your wine good order – or any order at all? Penelope has no control over the men and can’t even decide if they should stay or not.
The place of marriage in the Iliad and the Odyssey stands politically and religiously, not bound by love and the eagerness to be together, forever. They are often determined by political plans and agendas, such as the wedded couple Hector and Andromache, married to solidify a treaty. The dramatic relationship between Helen and Paris was arranged to please gods and Odysseus and Penelope were wed as the result of conquest and competition. But all three of these couples have something in common – they all had much love between them. Helen was so consumed by her love for Paris (although Aphrodite did have something to do with that!) that she left for Troy leaving behind her loyal husband, Menelaus. One pivotal display of love was between gods, when Aphrodite betrayed Hephaestus with Ares, breaking her marriage vows and betraying her husband Hephaestus in his own bed. Even the god’s relationships were often driven by lust and physical love. Odysseus virtually won Penelope in a footrace though their loyalty and love for each other was unending. Homer greatly related their marriage to home, as Odysseus spent twenty years at war and later risking his life to return to his wife and son. He gave up a life of ease, money, riches, even immortality so he could be with his family again. That is love and is what the place of true marriage is – risking everything, giving up so much – for those you hold the dearest to your heart and are worth more than any material things.

thanks – Im working on ending paragraph. any advice/edits/etc? thanks so much, it is GREATLY appreciated!!! I wont forget to do best answer, I promise!

Best answer:

Answer by Brian
They say, “home is where the heart is.” (CONSIDER MAKING “home” INTO “Home”)
Between them, it often seems that home is just a place to sleep (IS = WAS?)
You may say there is no order or you may say there is none at all (REDUNDANT)
the battle ends and Odysseus and his men off on a journey home. (ARE OFF?)
Helen and Menelaus, being home again, reunited them and their marriage. (NEED COMMAS WHERE SHOWN)
The place of marriage in the Iliad and the Odyssey stands politically and religiously, not bound by love and the eagerness to be together, forever. (I’M NOT SURE WHAT YOU’RE SAYING HERE – THAT MARRIAGE USED TO BE RELIGIOUS AND POLITICAL? MAYBE YOU CAN WORD IT SLIGHTLY DIFFERENTLY)

I thought you did a good job connecting your opening thought with your concluding paragraphs. I think the middle section could use a few more words connecting the events with its relevance to your main point.

“The Iliad and the Odyssey present an idea of home that is strongly based on the status of one’s marriage.” – I’m not sure if this is a supporting evidence or an opinion you have based on the evidence. A clearer distinction between evidence and opinion might help the paper throughout.

I hope that helps. Mine is only a rough draft of corrections and suggestions. You might find they are not relevant as you begin to change things. A well written paper is rewritten over and over again.

Add your own answer in the comments!

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